Escandalo 1

I am listening to boleros at this moment and I enjoy them greatly. I find it indulging. I feel hopeful yet hopeless. I have been reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen and I must say that it has kept me sedated? I have been under a bit of pain. I am numb at the moment. I poured my heart out. I poured it and I squeezed until there was nothing left. I was romantic in thought and action. I guess I can flashback to the occasion where I left the contents of my heart to someone else. I guess I didn't completely leave them all cause I still feel the pain, the neglect, the distance, and the longing. I do not want to feel any of it anymore. I know I still feel it. I know that sometimes I believe that I do not care anymore but then why in the world would I still dream of him? Why do I find myself comfort eating all the time? Why do I find myself driving in solitude and listening the most poetic love songs? WHY IN THE WORLD DO I ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO ASK FOR HIS OPINION?  I was sitting in church today listening to a priest preach about how God was the truth to everything. How God is the path to life. How he is everything and the question in the mind, aside from the constant arguments to the priest's preaching, was I wonder if Mario believes the Bible is based on a true story. How vain of a question is that? The priest had good intentions. I honestly don't believe he did an adequate job at the interpretation of the bible. He was very hesitant about what he was saying and his entire preach did not sum up to a whole point. It was very unorganized, I guess you could say, just like this blog entry. Anyway, on a day in April, I told him. I told him how I smiled just by thinking about him, how I loved his mind, how I wanted him to go to Princeton because of us, how I was afraid that he would fall for a Harvard girl, how I didn't want to be telling him all that stuff because it was extremely selfish, how I knew that I saw him at Harvard but that every part of me wished to see him at Princeton... Of course all those arguments were to no avail because we are not going to the same school. I don't really care about that. I didn't want him to change his decision for me. That would have pained me. A few days later, I also sent him a book. I sent him my favorite book which I thought was a nice gesture. I wrote him a pathetic letter, a letter not full of challenging vocabulary. It was a letter full of pleas and stupid recollections of moments prior to that letter. It was a hopeful letter, a letter for the future, just like John Legend's "Love in the Future" album. I just found it disappointing that after doing all that, communication between us ceased. Well, he did spontaneously text me one day and told me that one of my pictures made his mouth drop. But, how is that of any worth? I do not seek to make his mouth drop because of something that I cannot control. I cannot control what I inherited from my parents. I want his mouth to drop because my thought process surprises him, because my mind is rich, because he finds me spontaneous. I also do not want him to stop texting me for weeks. I do not know if his intentions are frivolous or sincere and full of promise. I have a feeling they're frivolous but part of me convinces another part of me that he is incapable of doing any harm.I mentioned earlier that I was hopeful but at the same time hopeless because I am hopeful that I can stop thinking of him as something more than a friend but I am also hopeless that nothing is ever going to happen between us. I wanted to at least give it a try. I wanted to share a kiss. I wanted to get to know him and I wanted to be his most intimate relation. I am afraid that it won't happen though. In fact, while I am writing this, his thoughts might be fixed on a girl. A girl whose existence is unknown to me but of whose existence could be everything to him. I know I can live without him. I am just scared that this unpopped firework will ruin any type of love future in my path. Whatever, I guess. It happens. The most ardent loves do not always reach their full potential and maybe I am just expecting a million dollars when I would only be getting a thousand. I'll see what happens, but one things for sure, I am not texting first. If he does EVER text me again, I will try my best not to answer. A taste of his own medicine wouldn't be so harmful, in my opinion. GOODNIGHT, I guess.